Roast My ___ 🔥

📋 SAMPLE REPORT — This is what a paid report looks like. Roast YOUR site →

🤖 AI-generated satirical review — not a professional audit

4

"Your site looks like a template that forgot to grow up. The bones are there, but the soul is missing."

https://example-startup.com

📊 Rank #142 of 287 sites roasted • View leaderboard →

🏷️ Detected industry: User Onboarding & Product Adoption
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📊 Technical Audit

Real metrics — measured, not estimated. 47 tests run.

52 D+
✅ 22 passed ⚠️ 12 warnings ❌ 13 failed
⚡ Performance 58/100 D+ ▼
Slow LCP, unoptimized images, no compression
❌ Page Size 3.8 MB
Hero image alone is 2.4MB
→ Convert to WebP, target <500KB total
⚠️ Load Time 3.2 s
LCP is 3.2s (target <2.5s)
→ Preload hero, defer non-critical CSS/JS
⚠️ CLS 0.15
Layout shifts from images without dimensions
→ Add width/height to all img tags
🔍 SEO 35/100 F ▼
Missing fundamentals — invisible to search engines
❌ Title Tag Generic
'Home | CompanyName' — no keywords
→ Use descriptive, keyword-rich title
❌ Meta Description Auto-generated
Browser-generated, not optimized
→ Write custom 150-char description with CTA
❌ H1 Tag Missing
No H1 on homepage
→ Add H1 with primary keyword
❌ Sitemap Missing
No sitemap.xml found
→ Generate and submit to Search Console
🔒 Security 78/100 B ▼
HTTPS enabled, some headers missing
✅ HTTPS Yes
Valid SSL certificate
⚠️ CSP Header Missing
No Content-Security-Policy
→ Add CSP header to prevent XSS
✅ HSTS Present
Strict-Transport-Security enabled

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👥 Who's Visiting Your Site?

Realistic user personas based on your site's audience — here's what they think.

👩‍💼

Sarah Chen, 32

VP of Product, Series B SaaS
❌ Bounce

Evaluating onboarding tools after losing 45% of trial users in week 1. Budget: $500-2000/mo. Needs to present 3 options to the CEO by Friday.

💭 First impression:

"I can't tell what this product actually does from the homepage. If I can't explain it to my CEO in one sentence, it's not making the shortlist."

😤 Pain points:
  • No clear pricing visible — I'm not filling out a 'Contact Sales' form for a tool under $1K/mo
  • The demo video is 8 minutes long. I have 90 seconds of attention.
  • No integration list visible — does it work with Segment? Mixpanel? If I can't tell, I assume it doesn't.
💬 Verdict:

"I'd bookmark it and forget about it. The site doesn't respect my time or answer my questions upfront. Back to G2 reviews."

Click to expand ▾
👨‍💻

Marcus Johnson, 27

Full-Stack Developer, Early-Stage Startup
❌ Bounce

Building the onboarding flow himself. Looking for a drop-in SDK or API. Willing to spend $50-200/mo. Values documentation over design.

💭 First impression:

"Where's the documentation? Where's the API reference? I found a 'Developers' link in the footer but it goes to a blog post from 2023."

😤 Pain points:
  • No code examples on the landing page — show me a 3-line integration snippet
  • Pricing requires a 'book a call' — I just want to see if it fits my budget
  • The changelog hasn't been updated in 4 months — is this product still alive?
💬 Verdict:

"I'd check the GitHub stars and npm downloads. If the community is dead, I'm going with an open-source alternative."

Click to expand ▾
🧑‍🎨

Nathalie Dubois, 41

Digital Marketing Manager, E-commerce
✅ Convert

Looking for tools to improve post-purchase onboarding and reduce support tickets. Non-technical. Needs a visual, no-code solution.

💭 First impression:

"The site is clean enough, but I'm not sure this is for me. Everything talks about 'SaaS' and 'developers'. Am I in the right place?"

😤 Pain points:
  • No mention of e-commerce or retail use cases — feels like it's for tech companies only
  • The 'How it works' section assumes I know what an API is
  • I'd want to see a template I can customize, not build from scratch
💬 Verdict:

"I'd sign up for the free trial because the product COULD work, but I'd need hand-holding. If the onboarding is as confusing as the website, I'm gone in 24 hours."

Click to expand ▾

⚔️ Competitive Landscape

Your position in User Onboarding & Product Adoption

Appcues

https://appcues.com

Beautiful UI, strong no-code builder, excellent documentation. The benchmark in the space.

UserGuiding

https://userguiding.com

Aggressive pricing ($89/mo vs $249), fast setup, targets SMBs effectively.

Chameleon

https://chameleon.io

Deep Segment integration, powerful targeting, enterprise-grade analytics.

📍 Your Positioning

You're positioned as a mid-market solution but your website communicates neither the simplicity of UserGuiding nor the power of Appcues. You're in the 'mushy middle' — the worst place in any market.

💪 Your Strengths

  • Clean, modern design language
  • Mobile-responsive layout
  • Fast page load on desktop

⚡ Where They Win

  • Appcues has 10x more social proof (logos, case studies, G2 reviews)
  • UserGuiding shows pricing upfront — you hide it behind a sales call
  • Chameleon's developer docs are comprehensive — yours are a ghost town

🎯 Biggest Missed Opportunity

None of your competitors target e-commerce specifically. If you niched down to 'onboarding for e-commerce' with Shopify/WooCommerce integrations and retail-specific templates, you'd own an uncontested segment.

👁️ First Impression

3/10
"Your above-the-fold is a masterclass in saying nothing. Three seconds on your site and I still don't know if you sell software, consulting, or artisanal cheese."
The hero section lacks a clear value proposition. The headline is generic, the subheadline is corporate jargon, and the CTA is the most non-committal 'Get Started' button I've seen since 2015.

🔧 How to fix it:

  • Replace 'Welcome to our platform' with a specific benefit: 'Cut your onboarding time by 60%'
  • Add a subheadline that explains WHO it's for: 'For SaaS teams tired of losing users in the first 5 minutes'
  • Change 'Get Started' to an action: 'See it in action — free demo' or 'Start your free trial'

✍️ Copywriting

4/10
"Your copy reads like it was written by a committee of 7 people who all wanted to sound 'professional'. The result is a word soup that says everything and nothing."
Overuse of buzzwords ('innovative', 'cutting-edge', 'synergy'), passive voice throughout, and no clear narrative arc from problem → solution → proof → action.

🔧 How to fix it:

  • Kill every instance of 'innovative', 'cutting-edge', and 'leverage'. Replace with specifics.
  • Start with the customer's pain: 'You're losing 40% of new users in week 1. We fix that.'
  • Add numbers: '2,340 teams use us' beats 'trusted by many companies' every time

🎨 Ux Design

5/10
"The layout is clean but forgettable. It's like a well-ironed white shirt — technically fine, completely invisible in a crowd."
Grid system is solid, spacing is consistent, but there's no visual hierarchy that guides the eye. Every section has equal weight, so nothing stands out. The pricing page hides comparison features in an accordion that nobody will click.

🔧 How to fix it:

  • Make your primary CTA 2x bigger than everything else — visual hierarchy matters
  • Add testimonials with faces NEAR the CTA (social proof at the decision point)
  • Ditch the pricing accordion — show all features in a comparison table

🔍 Seo

4/10
"Your SEO strategy appears to be 'hope Google notices us'. Spoiler: they haven't."
Missing H1 on the homepage, meta descriptions are auto-generated (and terrible), no structured data, no sitemap, and your page titles are all 'Home | Company Name'. You're invisible to search engines.

🔧 How to fix it:

  • Add unique, keyword-rich title tags: 'User Onboarding Software | Reduce Churn by 60% | BrandName'
  • Write custom meta descriptions for every page (150-160 chars, include a CTA)
  • Add JSON-LD structured data (Organization, Product, FAQ schemas)
  • Create a blog targeting 'how to reduce SaaS churn' and related long-tail keywords

⚡ Performance

6/10
"Your site loads in 3.2 seconds. In internet years, that's a geological epoch. Your competitors load in 1.5s."
LCP (Largest Contentful Paint) is 3.2s, CLS is 0.15 (layout shifts from lazy-loaded images without dimensions), FID is fine. Main bottleneck: unoptimized hero image (2.4MB PNG that should be a 180KB WebP).

🔧 How to fix it:

  • Convert all images to WebP/AVIF with srcset for responsive sizes
  • Add width/height attributes to all <img> tags to prevent layout shifts
  • Lazy-load images below the fold, preload the hero image
  • Enable gzip/brotli compression on your server (saves ~70% bandwidth)

🛡️ Trust Credibility

3/10
"Your site asks me to trust you, but gives me zero reasons to. No testimonials, no logos, no case studies, no social proof of any kind. Just vibes."
The pricing page has a 'Trusted by 500+ companies' banner with zero logos to back it up. No case studies, no reviews, no G2/Capterra badges, no security certifications visible. The About page has stock photos instead of real team photos.

🔧 How to fix it:

  • Add 3-5 real customer logos (with permission) above the fold
  • Include at least 2 testimonials with full names, job titles, and headshots
  • Add a case study: 'How [Customer] reduced churn by X% with [Product]'
  • Show security badges: SOC 2, GDPR, SSL certificate badge near the checkout

♿ Accessibility

5/10
"Your site is technically navigable by screen readers, but the experience is like reading a phone book — technically possible, absolutely miserable."
Missing alt text on 8 out of 12 images, color contrast fails on light gray text (ratio 3.1:1, needs 4.5:1), no skip navigation link, form labels are placeholder-only (disappear on focus).

🔧 How to fix it:

  • Add descriptive alt text to all images (not 'image1.png', but 'Dashboard showing real-time user metrics')
  • Fix color contrast: change body text from #999 to #666 minimum
  • Add visible form labels above inputs (don't rely on placeholders alone)
  • Add a 'Skip to main content' link as the first focusable element

🎯 Priority Action Plan

Do these first — ordered by impact. Check off as you go.

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